If you pee pee in one more bucket, pan, pot or shoe, I'm going to completely flip my noodle. I know you understand that we only pee pee in the potty. I know you are ignoring this fact for some strange reason. And I know you want to wear your underwear and not a diaper, but, seriously, I cannot bend over and clean up one more puddle of pee and remain calm and serene.
Therefore, if you take your diaper off to produce another pee pee puddle, I will be forced to duct tape it onto you. Please understand this is for the greater good of the entire household as the household simply would not run if mommy had to be transported to the nearest day spa in a last attempt to preserve what sanity I have left this week.
You work hard, and I appreciate that. But I have to tell you that the piles of clutter in my previously clean and perfectly nested house have started consuming entire table tops, end tables, counters and shelves, and I fear I may lose the toddler for hours as he sometimes can be completely hidden by these stacks.
I know you think we have tables and shelves to hold various things, but I can assure that they have a different function than "general junk holder." The table is for meal time; the shelves are for pictures; the counters are for preparing food; the end tables are homes to the lamps and occasionally coasters in conjunction with drinks. If need be, I could label them with sticky notes listing what things are acceptable for these places to hold. I can assure you mail, papers, wires, boxes, instructions, cords and other such unsightly and cluttery items would better be housed my one of our many storage boxes or the garbage can. The other alternative to this would be for you to build an extra room for home to house this clutter. You pick.
Your nesting and very pregnant wife
Dear Baby Boy in My Womb,
I'm sure you are adorable. I'm sure you are tiny and perfect and wonderful. But you need to know something before you come into our family; I really, really, really, really, really like summer. Some might say it is the time of year in which I don't have a permanent scowl on my face when I look out the window. That being said, I would really like to enjoy the rest of the summer, so those contraction things that were really intense but really didn't lead anywhere need to cease to return because I want to go to the lake this weekend and float it in. And if I have any more contractions, your daddy will not let us go to the lake because he does not want to drive home while I'm in labor and/or deliver you into the world on the Indiana Sky Way. Now, I don't know how much control you have over this, but whatever you've got, give it your all to just stay put until after this weekend. Then whatev. But give me one more week of summer in which we can live a somewhat normal life and go ahead with our lake plans. And I promise if you do, I will look the other direction next summer when you are eating the sand and immensely enjoying it.
Love you lots,
Your own personal milk machine