Monday, August 24, 2009
Not MY Child! Monday: Because the toddler deserves his own post
Normally, I invite you into the embarrassing parts of my week with Not Me! Monday posts by confessing things I so did not nor would ever do. But you know what? Someone else around this place has had an equally ridiculous week, which has made my antics terribly dull and boring ... so I think we oughta take a glimpse into some of the activities my toddler so totally did not do this week.
My toddler did not walk into the chiropractor's office today, announce "I'm pooping" and then flatly refuse to go to the bathroom because a plastic toy bicycle puzzle piece caught his attention. Two minutes after realizing that the toys were not as interesting as he had first hoped, he did not announce even more loudly "I'm pooping!" and walk with his legs squeezed together toward the door that leads to the bathroom. Nope, not my toddler! And my toddler never would have denied needing to use the bathroom for long so long that I would have found a lumpy present as I pulled off his shorts. He would never make such spectacle of us twice in two minutes only to have laid a load in his underwear.
He then never would have continued to be obstinant and difficult throughout my entire adjustment just because he didn't get to climb up on the table and get "click-clicked." He did not purposefully touch every single item in the room that Dr. Shaw didn't want him to touch -- the plant, the computer keyboard, the blinds, her tools and her supplement bottles -- with his mouth because he knows that is especially off limits in a fit of retaliation! And he did not demand a sticker, which is usually awarded for decent-to-moderately-good behavior, even though he confessed while walking out the door that "I no listen to mommy. That's naughty." Nope, not my angel.
My toddler also did not purposefully pee in the lake several times this past weekend after we carefully explained to him that only fish pee pee in the lake. He then did not carefully explain to me as pee ran down his leg while wading in the water that he "is fishy, too, because I pee pee in lake."
And my toddler certainly did not rat out his Grandma Puppy by exclaiming that "Grandma Puppy has donuts at her house," after staying there last week and then demanding to know where I kept our donuts.
He also totally did not render me mostly motionless for the majority of the weekend by jumping WWF style on my back late last week while I was sitting on the floor in front of the chair in which he was perched because he thought it was a great idea to wrestle mommy ... even though he can clearly cite one of the rules regarding wrestling: "I no wrestle mommies, grandmas and baby brother."
Dearest toddler, if you keep this act up, you'll more than likely put your mama out of the Not Me! Monday business permanently.