Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Bigger Picture: He's gone

My dad passed away this evening.

***
My sister and I are both there before his soul leaves his body. We talk to him about everything on our hearts. His eyes move toward my voice when I speak and then move toward my sister's when she speaks; I have to believe he hears what we are saying.
I kiss his head, squeeze his hand, whisper I love him and walk out of his room. I head home to nurse baby E and snuggle my sweet little boy. I leave, hope swelling in my heart that maybe a miracle will explode out of stage left. Maybe. I don't let go of hope until there's no hope to hold.

***

On my way home, my aunt calls and tells me his vital signs are dropping, struggling. His whole family, except me, surrounds his bedside as he takes his last breaths. I sit in the passenger's seat gasping for gulps of air, breath in between tears as our car barrels down a country road on my way to our babies. I promised him before I left I would take care of those babies, so we keep driving toward them instead of hitting the brakes spinning a U-turn. Somehow, I think he understands.

***

We walk into my mom's house, greet our smiling boys. I cry hard, heavy tears, find refuge in the embrace of a toddler who flings his little arms around my neck and squeezes me like he is holding onto me for dear life. I nurse my baby; he gently sweeps his hands across my face. Even though he is gone, I find my father in the face of my oldest, the hands of my baby. My dad's face smiled bigger than I've ever seen when he realized my oldest favored him so. My heart finds peace in the moment, tending to the coos and cuddles and needs of my little ones.

***

Rain pounds angrily on the top of the car as we push against wind on the way back to the hospital. The car groans and sighs as it drives into the storm, speeds against the elements. I feel the same way. Exactly.

***
By the time I return, all of the tubes, IVs and monitors are swept aside. And it is just my dad again lying in the bed. Just my dad. No replacement air. No replacement blood. No replacement fluid. Just him. The little girl in me, the teenager,the sister, the woman, the mother, the daughter, the wife, the believer -- every part of me aches for him. Every facet of me grieves for every facet of him. I see my boys in my father ... my father in my boys. I'm no longer sure where the two start and end. I kiss my father. I grasp his hand. I say goodbye. I cry again. I leave his room, hope swelling in my heart. But this time, it's different. It's hope that even though our time together here on Earth is over, that we'll see each other in eternity. Hope that he knows the Hope, the Savior I walk with. I don't let go of hope until there's no hope to hold. And that Hope, well, He doesn't let go of me.

37 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you. At the same time, I love how you see so much of your father in your children and I'm sure you will always be connected. My condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. Jamey and I will keep you in our prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nancy from fear and parenting in las VegasApril 24, 2010 at 11:32 PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i am so sorry for your loss but rejoice that you can see him in the eyes of your children.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Hyacynth. Heartfelt condolences to you and your family. I remember with a warm heart the posts you dedicated to your dear Dad, the wonderful grandfather he was to your children. My Mom often says this: "If God can bring you to it, He will lead you through it."

    ReplyDelete
  6. came over from Corrine's blog. praying for you and your family today. for God's comfort and grace to surround you through this time of heart ache.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dear father. I hope that somehow my simple words and prayers will ease your grief.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thinking of you as you work through this tremendous loss and hope for the day your family will be reunited again for eternity!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
  10. I am so sorry. We are holding everyone in The Light.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hyacynth, if it is any consolation I have been told that the hearing is the last thing to go when a person is dying. So I truly believe that when your father was looking back and forth at you and your sister that he heard you.

    My heart absolutely breaks for you. So much of your experience is exactly like mine. If you need an ear I am here. If you want to know what is to come in the days and weeks, or even months ahead, I will be happy to walk you through it. If you want to know if what you are experiencing is normal (I wasn't so sure at times) then by all means, please ask.

    Again, I pray for peace and comfort beyond all understanding. I pray for God's loving hands to be wrapped around you at this time and when you are brought to your knees in grief, I pray that He lifts you back up.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hyacynth, Sending you peace, comfort and love ~ Dwana

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm so sorry, hugs and prayers for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am sending my deepest condolences and peace to you and your family. I am praying for God to watch over you in your time of grief. Much love to you.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm so sorry Hyacynth. I'm thinking of you and your family. I'll pray for all of you. Hugs my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm so sorry, Hyacynth! You and your family will be in my prayers as you try to find peace in this. I cannot imagine what this must be like for you and the heartache that you must be feeling.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh, my friends, I'm not sure if I have the words right now to express how loved and held I feel right now through your thoughts and prayers and comments. Thank you for taking the time to extend your sympathies. I'm so grateful. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  18. my condolences and sympathy to you and your family. i will be thinking of you and praying for you during this next difficult stage...

    ReplyDelete
  19. I read this last night and have been struggling to know what to write in the comments. Just know I'm sending you so much love, and your family is in my prayers. I'm so sorry for your loss, sweet, sweet friend.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Hyacynth, I am so sorry for your loss. I know you had the time to say good-bye, but it's never easy. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hyacynth,
    We love you and your beautiful family very much and we are praying for you while you experience this extreme loss. We wish you peace and celebration in all the wonderful memories. I know you will deliver a beautiful message at his funeral.
    With HIS love,

    Lee-Alison & Scott

    ReplyDelete
  22. I know there are no words to make it better or easier just know that you are loved and your dad is watching over you and those beautiful little boys.

    HUGS and Prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  23. OH, Hyacynth. I am so, so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful tribute here. I am so touched by your story.

    My prayers are with you, friend.

    Elizabeth

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hyacynth, I am SO sorry for your loss {{hugs}}

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm so horribly sorry. I read this on my iPod and have been waiting to leave a comment until the right thing to say really struck me, but I still don't know what it is. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss. Obviously I've been praying for a different outcome. I'll keep you all in my prayers, asking now for peace and love to you. xo

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh Hyacynth...my heart is breaking for you and your family. I hurt for you, dear friend. I'm praying for you...

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. It brought back all of the emotions from the day I got the call about my dad. I will be praying for strength for you and your family.

    Carrie

    ReplyDelete
  29. I am so very sorry and am glad you have those little ones to hug today. My prayers with you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  30. What a beautiful post. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your family finds peace from being with each other.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Oh, Hy. I am so, so sorry to hear this. My heat is breaking for you and your family. You are all in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I am so sorry for your loss

    ReplyDelete
  33. I noticed how wretched the weekend weather was and knew you were losing your dad. It was a reminder of your sadness.

    ReplyDelete
  34. So sorry to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Sorry for such an incredible loss. Take care of yourself and your little ones.

    ReplyDelete

There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

ShareThis