Friday, July 16, 2010

Letters of Intent: An ode to things that suck

Foursons


The following letters form an ode to things that currently suck {literally and figuratively}.

Dear backyard,

Perhaps you missed the memo, but we're located in the Chicago suburbs not some low-land in Louisiana. Therefore, you really shouldn't be a soupy, muddy mess after just a few inches of rain.

You are a prairie not a swamp.

And you need to pull yourself together and beef up here because you're a breeding ground for those nasty mosquitoes that swarm my head the very moment I step foot in your lush green grass.

And I'm about at my breaking point between cleaning up muddy dog paws and serving myself and the kids on a mosquito-dinner platter every time we wander out the back door.

Sincerely,
A Midwesterner who thinks that because she deals with snow for five months out of the year she shouldn't have to deal with swamps in her backyard during the summer

****

Dear mosquitoes,

Speaking of suck, you've made it impossible to do much of anything beyond our four walls lately. I know people often totally over exaggerate about general bugginess, but you suckers have given me a new definition of swarm.

You've made the most simple pleasures nearly impossible; from riding bikes, grilling burgers, tending the garden or simply playing in the backyard, we've completely had to alter our normal plans for each activity.

For example, John couldn't just simply throw the burgers on the grill last week; no, he had to prepare for battle by armouring up with a hunter-green vinyl jacket complete with hood on a 95-degree day so he could simply start the grill.

And when he needed to come inside? He couldn't simply walk up the steps and open the door. He had to sprint a few meters across the backyard twice, bound up the stairs and dart through the door like Flash; except instead of me seeing streaks of red bounding through the yard, I merely saw glimpses of green followed by a Golden Retriever who thought it was time to play catch the master and nip him in the butt as he runs.

You've also quashed my meager attempts at fashion as I'm now sporting camo in my quest for swarm-free gardening.



No, friends, that's not a deranged, confused, very lost killer bee hunter in our backyard.



That's just me trying to avoid becoming a next meal for the beasts as I pick the zucchini.

So thanks for sucking, suck faces.

Sincerely,
Your former lunch

****

Dear camo-colored mosquito suit,

You make me look like an idiot.

Plus, you are hot, you are hard to see through and you make me look 50 pounds heavier than I actually am.

But your sweet, sweet vinyl protects my delicate skin from those blood-sucking vampires, so that makes you suck a whole lot less if even at all.

Sincerely,
Your latest {mosquito-bite free} fashion victim

****

Dear old hand-powered breast pump,

You don't suck enough.

So I'm moving up to bigger and better pumps. Say hello to the electric double suck that extracts three times as much milk in the same amount of time. I'm done being bound to a chair for 30 minutes only to gain three ounces of milk, a massive hand cramp and bored three year old wandering around the house with your extra cylinder pressed against his chest musing about how all of these pumps are broken because where on Earth is the milk in his bottle??



Best wishes in your future sucking endeavors,
Hyacynth, the girls and the milk fan club president, Baby E.

17 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh because all of that does suck so badly! But even though I've never "heard" your voice, I could totally hear how annoyed you are in this post & it just made me giggle.

    Before I got pregnant, I hadn't been bitten by a mosquito in decades--I must have been sour. Since my pregnancy, they cannot get enough of me. Lucky, lucky me!

    I hope the suck faces leave you guys alone soon!

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  2. Oh man this made me laugh. Sorry, Hy. But this is really funny. and you look AWESOME in that suit. Seriously. Oh, lady. I hope things turn around for you soon.
    xoxo

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  3. i had to smile! thanks for the photos of the suit!

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  4. I'm laughing too hard to write a decent comment. :)

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  5. Oh my goodness- yes! Giggled all the way through. Can totally relate to the buginess. Saw a bug shirt today at a gift shop, but is was 60.00 and I can buy a lot of bug spray for that price!! They are BAD this year and no one can exaggerate on that fact! We Minnesotans are kinda used to mosquitos, but even we are complaining this season!

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  6. you just gave me a night night giggle...you should come down her for dinner... bugs aren't too bad two towns south this week- hope to see you next week :)
    heather

    and can't remember my google password and too lazy to look it up- u know how to find me :)

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  7. Cute! Holy hell on the mosquitoes! Wow! Our home backs onto a huge field, which backs onto a forest and we have none compared to you. That's just awful. Love the camo suit though!

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  8. Oh thank you for that. I'm sorry for you and your swamp but I needed the laughter you provided!

    I love the vinyl suit!

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  9. What a great way to start the day. Laughed and Laughed.

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  10. Check with your doc, but my husband lived in Alaska for a summer, and he took B vitamins to keep the mosquitos at bay. It might change the taste of your milk, though. :-)

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  11. Hy, I love you and that suit!! That is all sorts of fabulous, because it shows how dedicated you are and how resourceful ;)
    And your kids must LOVE it!!
    Hang in there!!

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  12. I love the note to the breast pump. You've got me laughing a lot right now. The camo suit is too funny. You actually look pretty good in it!

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  13. Pretty funny. (sorry)

    Um...OFF! works like a charm! :)

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  14. Oh my goodness, your agony--my laughter! Thank you, my sweet friend!

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  15. Baahhahaha cute post! I love how you tell the mosquitos off, those stupid suck faces ;-) You do look fabulous in the suit though...alhtough you would look fabulous in anything =)

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  16. Haha! That picture of G trying to pump milk out of his bellybutton - HILARIOUS! And you seriously only had a HAND powered pump until now? Oh my! My mom bought me a Medela electric pump when I was pregnant with V - best present ever since I had to pump when both mine were in the NICU. I pumped quite often with V even after we got home, because she had to take medicine for the seizures. I think I've pumped once since we've been home with A. He refuses a bottle and my pump and I are not really getting along right now. Ha! I think the fact that I HAD to pump in the beginning has just totally turned me off to pumping any more than necessary.

    Hope those mosquitoes stop bothering you soon. Ugh! They love me too. In the summers I sometimes look like I'm diseased with all the mosquito bites.

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  17. First off, I'm sorry I'm just getting around to commenting! We got home last night and today I have felt like the ultimate couch potato w/no desire to fix that status.

    Your solution to the mosquitos cracked me up! Hey, whatever works.

    Glad you're got a new breast pump. Hopefully it has made life a little easier!

    Thanks for linking up!

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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