Friday, July 23, 2010

Thinking, that's all: Overnight

I've never spent a single night away from him.

At nearly eleven months old, I've snuggled close to baby E. every single night of his life.

And I've never slept more peacefully than when my cuddly little guy's soft, smooth baby skin is pressed against my own, his deep rhythmic breathes drowning out all the noise in my mind, luring me into sleep. {Of course, all bets are off for sleep if he's got a stuffy nose ... then there's relatively little sleep and the sleep that is could never be described as peaceful.}



This little guy and I have fallen into such an easy sleeping relationship, it's hard for me to think that tonight I won't slumber next to him.



Because tonight, I'm going to be sleeping next to my husband.

Alone.

All night.

No baby.

No toddler 3 a.m. snuggle session.

No shooing the dog back to the bottom of the bed in the middle of the night when I've realized he's resting his head on the pillow next time mine. {Not on the same side as baby E., of course; we're extremely diligent about safe co-sleeping.}

And no waking up to my little guy's big smile and soft coos as he sticks his fingers up my nose and in mouth.

I've spent the better part of the morning mourning the fact that my baby {how is he almost eleven months old?} is old enough to stay the night with Grandma and Buba.

I lamented about this milestone as I nursed him awake.

I got a little teary eyed while stroking his silken chubby cheeks as he drifted into his morning nap.

I sighed deeply as I watched his little fingers loosen their grip on my shirt as he fell into heavier sleep.

And I cried as I watched his chest, nearly toddler sized, raise up and down as he drew in deep breathes and calmly slept.

It's all so much. These milestones. And when I focus on them, I become completely aware of the fact that time is fleeting, always marching forward and that we'll never return to these baby days again with him.

It always shocks me to actually think about that truth.

I'll only see him grow older. I'll never hold him as a five month old again.

It's kind of ridiculous to be taken aback by such a simple, normal, expected realization.

But here I am. Taken aback. A little breathless about it.

And I see, as I sit here typing, that I'm at a fork in the road.

I can either embrace the growth, or I can passionately reject it.

I can either linger in these moments, enjoying them or I can lament them, mourn them before they even pass.

I don't want to mourn the present because the future is rapidly approaching.

And I don't want to spend my night, my first night alone with my husband since baby E. has been born, slipping and sliding around in the mucky, rushing waters of time.

I want to be present in this moment, and I can't do that if I'm thinking about the next.

I want to fall asleep tonight peacefully next to the first set of cornflower blue eyes I fell in love with, and I want to wake in the morning enjoying a big smile from my biggest love.

Because it's good.

And it's important.

And it's now.

Here's to enjoying the now.

16 comments:

  1. I hope you have an AMAZING time with your husband this evening. You deserve it. :)

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  2. This is beautiful. It's hard to want to commemorate the moments and yet in doing so, there's a bittersweet knowledge that you can never go back to them again.

    The first night away from baby is always hard. I remember being completely stressed out about my first night away from my daughter when she was 6 months old. At least you wouldn't be too far away from him, if that's any consolation?

    Enjoy your first love on your night together. And your tiny ones will greet you with open arms and happy faces when they see you. Oh imagine the embrace!

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  3. Enjoy your time tonight :)

    Those milestones are really hard though, each and every one of them. It's hard to take them in stride. My first overnight away from the kids was painful... and in two weeks I'll be leaving them for three nights and I'm having serious issues w/ that thought.

    Hang in there! Have a wonderful, incredibly restful (or not... ;)) time!

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  4. As a mom, I find myelf thinking almost daily, "they will never be this age again." It can either really make me emotional, or get me through a tantrum stage, but regardless, as an emotional human being, this thought process is constantly on my mind and I take comfort in it. If that makes any sense. Oh, and I take lots of pictures, cause I know this present time will fade slightly from my memory as the years go by. Already, it's hard to picture holding my youngest as a newborn, and it was only 3 years ago. OK, now I'm rambling.... :)

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  5. Hey! K turned two this week and we're having our first night alone this weekend too!! In the city for a wedding. Hoping you have as much fun tonight as I plan to have tomorrow night!!
    sending hugs-
    heather

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  6. As my son grew, I loved it and embraced it. I appreciated his increased independence SO much. I needed that - I needed him to not be so dependent on me. But now looking back, I realize I should have appreciated his "baby-ness" more. Because now that he is 3, he is definitely no longer a baby.

    But it's okay... because he is still my sweet little man. And I cherish him and love his still.

    And if we have another one, I will get to experience that "baby-ness" again. I am starting to look forward to that (having another baby), as opposed to fearing and dreading it.

    Good luck to you and your family as your little ones grows. Embrace and cherish each day. As I am sure you will.

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  7. Wait a minute. He's almost a year old already?! How in the world did that happen?

    Enjoy time w/your hubby. Baby E will be back in a few short hours.

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  8. I hope you have a wonderful time! This post is beautiful. :-)

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  9. Hope you had a wonderful time, I enjoyed this post alot. Although, we haven't had our first night away, I know I will be going through all those emotions as well when we do.

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  10. Hope you enjoyed your time together. Your reunion with baby was probably sweet too!

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  11. Love this. Definitely have to make the choice to either fight the inevitable or bend into it and enjoy what comes your way.

    Hope you had a great first night!

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  12. Absolutely beautiful...and these feelings are so fresh for me. I left my youngest for the first time at just younger than six months. For two nights he was with his grandparents. And he did so well. And it was so hard to be away from him. And they do grow and change before our very eyes. It's so bittersweet. But you are right, the healthy thing is to embrace it. Enjoy it while we can and look forward to each new change, because it's really only a new beginning right?!

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  13. I know that you enjoyed that time. You so deserve. You and your husband clearly share a lasting beautiful love. God bless you both.

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  14. Oh Hyacynth...I totally know this feeling. I still have a hard time believing my daughter is two...TWO whole years! I try to remind myself every day to slow down and enjoy these moments, because one day I will miss all the chaos and noise they bring to our home.

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  15. This hits close to home for me right now too! Molly is almost 9 mos. old and I can't believe it. Since we have moved back, we've had our parents sit Molly a few times while we go out and it is SO hard to leave her...even for a few hours. And she's sleeping so she doesn't even know were gone. I'm such a sap :) Oh, and she got her 1st tooth this week...she's growing too fast! I hope you & your hubby had a great time!

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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