Thursday, September 30, 2010

Bigger Picture Moment: Fit

Bigger Picture Moment

Dressing rooms have been akin to dungeons nearly my entire life.

I'd enter with uncertainty in the pit of my stomach, arms filled with clothes that often boasted the largest number at the store -- the stored I'd desperately wanted to sport apparel from in high school because it was so very in -- and pray that something, anything would fit.

I would cling to hope that maybe, just maybe, the jeans I'd carefully selected from the rack would simply zip.

They didn't have to easily slide on -- they just had to zip and button.

Slipping off my old, stretched-out jeans and trying to maneuver new, tight ones over my broad hips was like waiting for a firing squad to begin shooting off rounds of bullets that could piece my heart directly.

"How's that working out for you?" a voice would call from behind the shut door.

Wiggle, wiggle, pull, pull, puuuuuullll, yank, suck it in, suck it in, yank.

"Um, not so well," I'd admit.

"What size do you have in there?" the voice inquired.

"Size 14," I'd admit oh-so-quietly because I knew I could never fit myself into a 14 at that store, a store where the models wore an impossible size zero, had small, perky breasts and absolutely no thought of hips. I knew. I knew those jeans wouldn't fit from that store; trust me I knew.

"Oh ...." the voice would answer. "I don't think we have anything else that might work."

And even though I knew in my mind that those jeans fit girls who were thinner, it was like a bullet right to the heart, obliterating my hopes.

What I already knew was solidified in my mind: nothing fit me there. Nothing. But for some reason it never stopped me from trying to stuff myself into jeans from the popular store, the store that never had anything that fit my fuller body. The store that featured trendy clothes that fit seemingly of my friends' bodies but never my own no matter how I tried to cram my body into those clothes.

I'd spend nearly all of high school and much of college trying to cram my fuller size self into things that never quite fit, into things that were too tight or too narrow just because it was what everyone else was wearing.

John and I were racing through the outdoor mall last Saturday exactly 43 minutes before our good friend was about to make a trip down the aisle to receive his bride.

Nothing in my closet fit my new, trimmer body, I'd discovered about 15 minutes before we were slated to leave the house earlier that day.

All of my clothes from even when I was at my smallest my senior year in college hung on my frame.

I've changed so gradually, steadily, slowly since graduating from college five years ago, and I've embraced and relaxed into this new skin, this new body, this new life so much that I didn't fully realize I've been molded into a new shape, a new form.

Upon entering my favorite store, a store I discovered in my adulthood that boasted chic yet functional clothing, one of the sales associates asked if I was looking for anything in particular.

I explained the situation -- wedding, now 39 minutes from starting, no clothes that fit, needed something pretty, dressy and, well, smaller than what was in my current wardrobe.

"Ok," she said. "What size are you?"

"Maybe a 12 or a 10?" I offered, confident that I would find something that looked nice enough {Because I'm far from having a perfect form!}

She smiled, led me to the fitting rooms, grabbing clothes as we walked together to my former dungeon.

I entered.

She slipped clothes over the top of the door.

A size ten skirt, a medium-sized shirt and a medium little black wrap dress.

"Just try these," she reassured from the other side of the door.

Hurriedly, I pulled the little black wrap dress over my head, and smoothed it out over my hips.

And it fit.

It fit perfectly.

No shots from the firing squad because this time -- this time -- I knew I wasn't trying to stuff myself into clothes that just would never quite fit my shape.

I knew that this time I was in a store trying on clothes that would fit my broader hips, my fuller chest, my wider rear end.

Because now, in this season of my life, I'm comfortable with clothes fitting me, fitting the unique shape of my body, not fitting myself into what everyone else is wearing.

To share your Bigger Picture Moment, head over to Melissa's and link up.


  1. I love the acceptance that comes with age. and with that acceptance comes a feeling of confidence in ourselves. :)

  2. Oh man! AMEN sister! I look at our honeymoon photos, and vividly remember feeling SO fat in them. And, yet, I weigh the same now as I did then. And, today? Yeah, I can always stand to lose a few, but I am ok with my skin, as you put it.

    Thanks for the great reminder.

  3. I want your acceptance. This story made my heart wish for acceptance. Plus the confidence to have someone else choose your outfit, wow. Nicely done. I'm happy with who I am on the inside, but the outside...

    But this isn't about me. This is about you and you are fab-YOU-lous!!!

  4. What an incredible moment :) When they happen in the dressing room, it's always good!

  5. Oh, Hy. I love your confidence in what flatters and compliments you, no matter how your body changes over the years. I love that you feel good in your skin. I love that you don't feel bullets piercing your confidence anymore.

    Why is growing up so hard? Oh yeah -- because how else would we learn these fabulous lessons?

    But that doesn't mean I'm not already getting stressed about the certainty that my girls will someday be teenagers dodging firing squads of all sorts. Sigh.

  6. Beautiful. Something all women, young and old, need to read and take to heart. I love our shapes and sizes!

  7. What a great realization -- and victory -- over body consciousness and negative self image.

    I'm so happy that you are comfortable the size you are and that this post didn't turn into how a size 10 would be better as a size 4, etc.

  8. Holy crap! Way to go Hy! So proud of you for a) Fitting in a size 10 and b) Being so incredibly accepting of the beautiful body you now have. You know my journey's ups and downs so I won't repeat them here except to say that your struggle is and was mine and boy does it ever feel great when we feel great! xo

  9. Such a wonderful emotional victory. I think birthing 2 babies brought me much of my acceptance. Our bodies aren't just about looking a certain way...they are designed to do a job! Congrats on a positive self image to go along with your big heart and adorable personality!

  10. And do tell us the secret to how you did it? How did you stick with whatever you did long enough to have victory? Congratulations on that victory by the way. both of them.

  11. I love the moment of acceptance - it happened to me in the summer where I stopped focusing on the numbers and learned to love what I have. And from then on, my confidence soared.

    And really, there's not much sexier than a confident woman who's comfortable in her own skin, is there?

    Good for you for achieving this too Hyacynth. From the little I know of you, you're already a beautiful person. I am glad that now you see that too.

  12. Congratulations, Hyacynth! Congrats on both your impressive weight loss and on the loss of your need to fit into anything! Those clothes...and everything else in your life...should fit to you, not the other way around. You are incredible!

  13. Oh dressing rooms as dungeons, I know that oh so well! How funny how often our BPM are along the same lines!

    Love it, and Congratulations on accepting and living in your new skin!

  14. What a wonderful post! I struggle a lot with my body image and being comfortable in my own skin, so it's nice to see posts like this reminding me of the peace that comes with acceptance or my own, erm, uniqueness. I need to remember that.

  15. I took my kids to try on bathing suits, not thinking that I'd have to be quite bare during the event. But I couldn't leave them outside the dressing room, could I?

    I'll never forget Jensen telling me that I was so pretty. When I was trying on bathing suits.

    Beauty is easily recognized by children, so it must be true.

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