Friday, December 3, 2010

Letters of Intent: Dear Jasper


Dearest G.W.W., my oldest son,

I'm so glad you had such a great time today when I took you and your little brother to the indoor bounce gym.

We had a great time, really. Er. Mostly.

I love that you made friends with another little boy your age and said little boy's grandmother.

I am thrilled that you actually talked to them with out me encouraging you to talk.

And I'm pretty much over-the-moon excited about how your little friend inspired enough courage in your usually cautious self to crawl through the tunnels suspended from the ceilings.

However, dear one, I'm not sure I feel so great about you telling your little friend and his grandmother that your name is actually Jasper and that G. isn't really your real name after I've been calling you G. all afternoon in front of them.

And I don't appreciate your telling her during the one time I have to turn away from you and chase your brother down that your mommy doesn't call you G., she calls you Jasper.

As if I were not your real mother, who does, in fact, call you G.

Yes, I'm so glad I caught the tail end of the conversation so I could clear this up for you:

I *am*, for the record, your real mommy.

You saying such things kind of makes it look like maybe I've kidnapped you instead of having birthed you from my own body.

Or like maybe I've completely lost my marbles and don't know my oldest son's name.

Nonethelss, the truth was akward enough, as I sputtered to try and explain: you call yourself Jasper because you think the bad guys in 101 Dalmatians are the cat's pajamas.

It's a little hard to tell nice strangers that you look up to the villains in movies so much you wish you were named after one of those villains.

I'm sure that's exactly the sort of influence grandma wants running around with her grandson at a bounce gym.

In fact, the truth Option

C.), You idolizing bad guys

really doesn't sound all that much more appealing than options

A.) me having kidnapped you


B.) Me being insane.

Because option

C.) You idolizing bad guys

kind of makes it seem like your mother hasn't honestly tried to impart any morals or values into your little brain at all.

And, admittedly, that does make mommy feel mostly like Option

B.) Me being insane

is really what's true.

Your little friend's grandma did take it all in stride, chalking it up to your imagination. Thank goodness she was a really nice woman.

But she and your new friend did leave rather quickly after that.

In short, please stop referring to yourself as Jasper.

Or Option

D.)me locking you in the house until your villain phase and imagination phases are no longer occurring simultaneously

will promptly be implemented and executed.

Your *real* mommy


  1. Thank you for sharing this, I have had a great laugh this evening. I have to say, I do love G's (or shall I say J's) imagination. It also reminds me of when Tasha was younger and drew a picture for preschool. Her drawing and the story to go with it had all her teachers believing that I had 4 other kids, and a dog who just had 5 puppies.

  2. Oh my gosh- that is hilarious! I can only imagine the blog post that grandma could have written today. Bwhahahahahaha. This is almost better than the Humpalumps (is that what they are called?) at the chiropractor. G is so smart. If you think he keeps you running now, just wait. Haha- I love being the bearer of such good news for you. :D

    Thanks for linking up!

  3. Okay. I for one am SHOCKED that this post only has two comments on it, hopefully more will filter in later on.
    I LAUGHED MY HEAD OFF WHILE READING IT OUT LOUD TO MY HUSBAND. Good one "Real" mommy, good one. I am still chuckling.
    Give Jasper a hug and a big block of chocolate as payment for giving such great blog fodder and a great laugh to end my stress filled day.
    I enjoy your writing Hy.

  4. Oh how I miss sweet Jasper, I mean G.

    Such a great story, thank you for sharing the laughs.

  5. what a great story, lol
    and G. has really good taste... I love the name Jasper, love it.

  6. All the effort of babywearing and attachment parenting and breastfeeding, and then this!!!! Kids are tricky.

  7. I just love it when they come up with these stories! They seem to have a hard time living in the real world at that age. Oh well, the real world will welcome them in soon enough. sounds like you had a great day, villains notwithstanding.

  8. This was so hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing so I could laugh and feel better about my own daughter, who at age 3, when asked at a mother-daughter tea who her favorite Bible character was, said Satan!!! Oh, the embarrassment!! I wanted the floor to swallow me whole. Fortunately now, 2 years later, who favorite Bible character is now Jesus. Whew. ;)

    Thanks again for the laugh!

  9. This had me cracking up!! It will be such a great story to tell G later :)
    I probably would have reacted in such a way that the grandmother would have been calling 911 to report a kidnapping!


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