Thursday, July 7, 2011

Bigger Picture Moment: Confirmation

A swift current of yearning flows like electricity through my body at the thought of welcoming another tiny person into our family.

I've struggled with this deep-seeded desire, questioning if I'll forever ache to smell the sweetness of a newborn freshly birthed, if I'll always want to bring a babe against my skin, welcoming another round of nursin, if I'll ever pine for the view of tiny hands resting against John's chest.

Will that ache persist regardless of how many little ones we have?

And, samely, I've contemplated, questioned if this is the time we should venture into adoption, welcome a child from another mother's womb into our home, blend ourselves into the perfect brew of family beyond bloodlines.

Do I have to bear another child to fully satisfy this feeling of feeling like we've yet to meet another child?

I've been wrestling.

Then the whole three-negative-pregnancy-tests-amid-surges-of-nausea-and-days-and-days-sans-period thing happened, and I thought with an almost-certainty that my body was again home to another little life ... only for a period to emerge so late in the game, I could nearly keep the look of shock off my face upon its arrival.

That same week, we suffered a hard loss at church, and those feelings of grief overshadowed the sadness and dissappointment and almost betrayl I felt, so much so that I never dealt with this emotions that were so deeply seeded embedded into my heart.

Until -- during an unplanned, impromtu Skype converation -- a friend asked about it all, going to places sometimes we don't go -- into the depths of the heart, the soul.

At first, I was taken aback; I'd already dismissed the non-pregnancy ordeal as not being in God's time. But she took me to a place I never bothered to tread when she asked:

"Do you think maybe that was God's way of whispering to your heart that maybe you really honestly desire to be pregnant again? Maybe this is clarification about adopting versus bearing another child naturally?"

As her words soaked into ears that could hear, I realized a confirmation embed itself into my heart: there's a deeply rooted desire to swell again with the fullness of another baby, to grow another baby, to birth and nurse another baby -- one I cannot explain, as it mightily overpower all of doubts.

Sometimes I hear God speak to my heart in small whispers -- through the soft beauty of a flower that weathers a brutal storm and still is standing tall the next day.

Sometimes I hear His voice through the burning bushes of life - the unexplained sheer forces of power and the amazing events that unfold surrounding them.

And sometimes I hear Him speak through those who love Him and seek to find the Bigger Picture in the everydayness of life.

In the flicker of conversation between friends, often in my life I've found phenomenal truth and insight shared either in passing or embedded in the depth of heavy conversation that I might otherwise have missed altogether had someone not been brave enough to venture into the depths ... had I been too busy to have the conversation.

{So I realize there are, like, several bigger picture moments in this one post ... but sometimes revelation comes in bursts.}

Simple BPM

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