Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Life Unmasked: Joy in the Mourning


At first my knee-jerk reaction was to let these words remain only in the black on white of an unpublished draft, let them fade into the archives, left unread, unspoken.. 


But this  weekend, in my sadness, in our loss, I've found comfort through the experiences of other women who've walked this same road of miscarriage  ... and this? It's been the elephant in the room of my mind for the past almost week as I've tried stepping around it.


And He moves me. He moves me from weakness to strength. So with caution to any pregnant mothers and those with very tender hearts to perhaps skip reading this one, I press the publish button for the prelude to what I wrote last Friday morning

I am watching two adorable little boys play trucks infusing their play with a side story of Finding Nemo.

I should be on the floor with them, playing, enjoying, living.

But I am bleeding, being initiated into a secret club I didn't want to join.

Bleeding. The tinge of pink darkening to red, after not one, not two but three positive pregnancy tests.

I am supposed to be closing in, wrapping up this week of being newly blessed with child.

I am supposed to be heavy with new life in my womb instead of heavy with emotion.

I am supposed to be ...

right where I am. I resign again, whisper that God is God, and I am not.

And because I don't understand why

why, why, why

I throw myself into a tailspin, turning and turning and turning, kicking up dust and sputtering on it.

There is guilt mixed with grief.

There is thankfulness interwoven into guilt.

And then there is guilt bleeding back into grief.

Everything bleeding -- the lines of positive tests, my body, my mind, my heart.

I have two adorable little boys playing trucks infusing their play with a side story of Finding Nemo nearby.

And I am thankful that they are still at my feet, able to be scooped up into my arms for kisses and cuddles and giggles.

I circle back around to grief, wishing May 2012 could somehow still bring a new tiny baby born fresh from my body and into our arms, snuggling in for kisses and cuddles and giggles.

And then swoop back to thankfulness for two little boys

and around to guilt again after thanking God for gifting us with their sweet little lives ...

I have two adorable little boys playing trucks infusing their play with a side story of Finding Nemo, and I slip onto the floor next to them and cry out for Him to break me out of the rounds I'm circling.

Because right now, that's taking me nowhere fast; I need to go somewhere good even faster.

I make the slightest cry, and He hears.

So, slowly, gently, He moves me from spinning in the circles of a dusty, dirty roundabout of fear and sadness back to the paved road through His truth and the truth spoken by my husband and the words shared from a friend ... He moves me, layering salves over a wounded, heaven-homesick heart, to the next rest area on a journey where there is grief, yes, there is sadness, yes, but, too, there is both joy in the morning and joy in the midst of mourning.

"My soul clings to the dust;
give me life according to your word!
...
Make me understand the way of your precepts,
and I will mediate on your wondrous works.
My soul melts away for sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word."
Psalm 119: 25, 27, 28


Life: Unmasked



34 comments:

  1. Praying for you. I know the "guilt." Knew it after the second son,too. xoxox Lifting you this morning and in the coming weeks and months.

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  2. Hugs, sweetie. Keep talking, too -- we're here, even if listening is all we can do from here. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

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  3. Oh, I am crying too much to see my keyboard. You are wrapped up in love, dearie. Wrapped up tight.

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  4. Sending prayers for peace your way. I'm so sorry.

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  5. Oh, honey. I hope you heal in just the ways you need to.

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  6. Oh honey. I am so, so sorry. So sorry. Thank you for sharing, and for letting us in. I only hope it helps you feel less alone. Sending hugs and love your way.

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  7. I'm sorry to hear the news. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

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  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I also wanted to say how wonderful it is that you're brave enough to publish this so that other people might find comfort in it. You will be in my prayers.

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  9. Oh Hy...I am so, so sorry, sweet friend. You are in my prayers and on my heart. :(

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  10. I'm so sorry, Hyacinth. So sorry.
    There aren't really any words, but I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

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  11. my heart aches, my eyes cry for you my dear.

    Supporting you from afar! Prayers for your healing--body, heart and soul.

    So much love, Hyacynth!

    Jen

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  12. Praying for you! Thank you for being so real and vulnerable and courageous.

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  13. my heart hurts for yours. wrapping you up in prayer, dear friend. so very sorry to hear this sad news and yet privileged that you would share this burden--and let up lift you up in prayer for healing and great peace. xo

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  14. Last night's lesson at church was on 2 sam 12 and he spent a lot of time speaking of loss... and exactly what you are going through right now.
    Praying for comfort for your heart today, sweet Hy. Wish I could wrap you up tight in a hug but HIS hug is far better than mine and I know He has you wrapped very close right now. Jer. 29:11 his thoughts and intentions toward you are for good even though sometime it feels like it isn't... love you, will continue to be praying for you and your family...

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  15. I'm so sorry Hyacinth! Praying for you!!!

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  16. You have my sympathy and my prayers. Your image of moving from the natural heaviness of pregnancy to the heaviness of emotion moved me so deeply. Your words will linger in my thoughts keeping you close for prayer.

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  17. Hy, my heart is breaking for you, John and the boys. Take care of yourself.

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  18. I am sooooo, soooo sorry for your loss. Oh, this breaks my heart for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

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  19. I'm sorry dear Hyacynth. Sending hugs and praying for comfort and strength. Wishing you didn't have to walk this road.

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  20. Hyacynth, I am so, so sorry. I am sending prayers and faith your way today.

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  21. I'm so sorry. Prayers for your comfort and peace in the midst of sadness. May God be with you and bless you and bring you joy in the mourning.

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  22. So sorry to hear about your loss. I have been thinking about you...

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  23. I'm so sorry Hy.. You and your family are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this _ I know it's not always easy to open up about something so painful.

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  24. I'm sorry for your ache and loss.
    but am glad you shared such raw and powerful words.

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  25. Oh, Hy. My heart is so heavy and aching for you right now. I cannot imagine the feelings, the sadness, the guilt... I pray for grace in the healing process.

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  26. Oh dear sweet friend. I'm so sorry. So so sorry. xoxo

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  27. oh Hyacynth. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. God needed that little life, infused with so much love, somewhere else more urgently. That's what I like to think anyway. It makes me feel better. Love, hugs and prayers to you and yours xo.

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  28. Hyacinth, I am so sorry. There are no words to make you feel better, but only to know that we have a God who weeps with you, whose heart breaks for you. I lost my third, too, and it was unimaginable. I so relate to the swings between the children here and the child who is not. And I so love Psalm 119, too. God is still God and God is still good. If we were closer, I would watch your boys or bring you supper, but instead, I'll pray for your heart and for your family.
    Hugs from across the miles,
    Holly Spangler

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  29. Hold tight friend, you are being held by your fellow club members. xo

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  30. Just reading this today, I had no idea. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and prayers.

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  31. I'm so glad that you didn't leave this post in your drafts folder. I've recently been through my first miscarriage and someone directed me here. Reading it made me feel less alone, and for that I am very grateful. Thank you for sharing.

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    Replies
    1. I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of you precious little one. I pray healing, deep and graceful, for your heart, your body and your mind. Thanks for sharing, too ... I think we all feel less lonely when we share our hurts in the safe confines of those who know them, too.

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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