Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Just Write: Obsessive Brain

It just keeps running.

This brain of mine.

It's like a sink overflowing and I can't figure out for the life of me where knob is.

I thought all of this anxiety of mine began right after the miscarriages, but the more I ponder it and life and where my feet have tread as my brain has tried to keep up with them, the more I see that anxiety has been a constant drip of water spilling from the tap from the time I was small and worrying about what would happen if the tornado sirens sounded and I was babysitting at a house without a basement.

Like her, I've mistaken anxiety for responsibility, tried to dress it up into something beautiful like an ocean instead of just a leaky faucet.

And I write to her about how few nights ago while talking to my grandma about what she thought the Word was whispering to me in relationship to fearing the Lord in the awe-stricken sort of way, we fell face first down the rabbit hole conversation of anxiety.

My grandma, though, she said something that really struck me -- when we grow so quickly in our faith sometimes we have those extra-anxiety moments where it really comes into focus because we realize how not in control we actually are. 

How that awesome love-wrapped-fear of His power actually sends the leak into a full-fledge stream overflowing the sink that's all stopped up and clogged with these thoughts we don't even want.

And I knew suddenly what all those verses about fearing and revering the Lord meant to my heart -- He was telling me He could be trusted to turn off  the leaky faucet, dripping or streaming and to unclog the stopped up sink of my mind that won't let the thoughts run through but rather just remain stuck while the water's just flowing, flowing, flowing.

It was like He was telling me He's not just someone who comes in and finds the faucet knob.

But also that He's the greatest Plumber ever, too.