Thursday, June 14, 2012

Bigger Picture Moments: Gaps

There is white space in the picture folder on my computer, large gaps of time seemingly unaccounted for, left uncaptured by photographs.

When we lost the babies from deep inside my womb. 

When anxiety made a sweeping effort to steal every little piece of my joy.

When I was so fatigued I could barely stand and make lunch let alone pick up a camera and chase after boys to capture their wild-wrapped-cuteness. 

There are gaps, long and wide open and gaping, and I wonder if the boys when they grow will notice that months and months had gone by where not a single picture was snapped by the woman whose camera normally completes her wardrobe on any day.

Because they likely won't remember that many days for many months it was all I could do to even dress myself in the morning

and they probably won't recall how I counted myself fortunate to even snap mental pictures of their beautiful faces while they played on the floor as I rested on the couch. 

That's how I want it anyway; I don't want them to remember this season of hard and hurt that sucked so much of the life from our days despite my best efforts to carry on as normal. 

I hope instead that they see their childhood in years rather than months, pictures of their growing selves overflowing from folders marking each year of their lives.

****

My memory card was full tonight when I began snapping another round of photographs in the backyard, something that hasn't happened in months, signaling that I needed to release some of them onto my computer to make space for more. 

So I made a June 2012 folder. 

gsprinkler

e sprinkler time

gmaw and G

brothers in color

And with that, I bookended the gap from the fall, plenty of time to fill the rest of the year with enough captures to consider 2012 as what it's shaping up to be -- beautiful and so very full.


Simple BPM


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4 comments:

  1. I just love how you capture the raw emotions of your heart with your words. And I totally understand these words too. Part of overcoming the deepest parts of my depression and anxiety has been forgiving myself for the moments I wasn't completely present, when I was just going through the motions dragging myself from one end of the day to the other. And oh, the guilt. But then, with one simple smile or "mommy, I love you" or a little one reaching out to wrap his arms around me, I realize that when they are grown and raising families of their own what they will remember most is the love that knew no bounds in our home...because THAT is what matters. And they will know a mom who didn't give up, but kept fighting for that joy...just as you do, day in and day out. ((hugs))

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  2. You know, I don't remember my childhood in months, if that's any comfort to you. I do remember sad seasons, but like Stephanie points out, the strong, humming recollections are of strength, love, resilience. If they notice the gap in pictures, I'm sure they'll have understanding for the reason why. But knowing you and John, Hy, having learned so well your hearts from what you've shared here and the precious conversations we've been able to have: I know your children will have plenty of beautiful mental captures to carry them through their entire lives.

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  3. I love the grace their is in what children remember. There are seasons for everything, the tension between joy and sorrow. Your boys are so cute. You capture the joy in their eyes so well.

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  4. This is such a beautiful, raw, poignant post, Hy. I want to echo what others say in reassurance about what your boys will remember...but I also want to say that it makes me really happy to see this post because what it also says to me is that you are healing. It is a marker of how far you've come, and you, my dear, are an incredibly strong woman. I admire you my friend.

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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