Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Thinking, that's All: Letting Go

A generous thank you to Bounty for encouraging the pouring out of my heart by sponsoring this piece. 

I've let go of trying to figure out why.

Why I'm not waddling around in the final days of being large and swollen with child.

Why my earliest signs of pregnancy were my last ones. 

Why we've not been counting down the time left in my pregnancy week by week and day by day, especially now that we're in the thick of my due week.

Why we lost not just one baby in September, but then, you, too, in December.

I guess why doesn't matter so much anymore because a reason wouldn't make it feel right anyway.

A reason wouldn't make arms that wanted to hold you feel fuller, more satisfied.

It wouldn't make me more OK with the fact that sometimes pregnancies end unexpectedly and sometimes mothers don't get to hold their babies outside of the womb this side of Eternity.

And it wouldn't make my heart grieve any less the loss, the promise, the hope of you here in life as we know it.

The resignation to resting in the unknown doesn't mean, though, that I don't

give thought to whether your hair would shimmer coppery-red against dark locks when sunlight presses into it like mine, like your brothers'

that I don't long to see father, your brothers marvel over you

that I don't wonder what you could have given to a needy world.

Just because I'm no longer lingering in the why, small one, doesn't mean I don't remember.

It just means that I'm refusing to let you become synonymous with loss

because you haven't been lost.

You haven't been misplaced

or forgotten. 

I know you dwell in Light I can't yet imagine. 

And I know that instead of me welcoming you into my world today, this week

one day, you'll be there welcoming me into yours, His.

A generous thank you to Bounty for encouraging the pouring out of my heart by sponsoring this piece. 

15 comments:

  1. oh my heart. I know. My heart often pours out like this too.

    He sees and He holds. Not forgotten. Not lost.

    Love you
    Jen

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    1. Thank you for coming and just sitting with me in this, Jen. love you lots.

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  2. Keep your faith....so sorry you are feeling this way.....sending heart healing prayers

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    1. thanks for the prayers; they are much appreciated.

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  3. Honesty and faith. Our most powerful combination - I'm inspired by your words and my heart is softened as I pray for you. hugs.

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    1. Thank you for the prayers, encouragement and hugs, Adrienne. So appreciate you and your heart.

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  4. oh, Hy, this post had me on the verge of tears the whole way, but then I got to this line..."I know you dwell in Light I can't yet imagine" and it did me in. Picturing your babies welcoming you into Heaven, well that is just about the most glorious vision ever. Loving and praying on you lots. <3

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    1. Thanks, Robin, for the words of kindness and the prayers. One day, friend. One day.

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  5. Oh, Hyacynth. The closing sentiment here is simply beautiful. It is the beauty of God's promise, a beauty that can be counted on. I hope you can find comfort in that truth. You will be in my prayers. I hope you feel them across the miles.

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    1. Thanks, May. I feel so very surrounded and uplifted by you and so many friends who come to offer love and support. Appreciate all of it so very much.

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  6. So beautiful Hy! love it - I know you still suffer the loss- but love the way you choose to not have them be "synonymous with loss" and can visualize them in the Light - one day I'll get to meet them too ;) they are perfect and whole - full of love and joy with the Father - God bless.

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    1. YES! Perfect and whole and with the Father. Thanks, Kelli, for this visual, this reminder right back. Love you, lady.

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  7. I am certain that the Father and your father felt the warmth of this piece ... like petals in the wind ... nicely done :-) hugs!!

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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