Thursday, August 23, 2012

Bigger Picture Moments: The Question I don't Know How to Answer

Editor's Note November 2012: If you are looking for information on restoring your digestive system, please know that The Body Ecology Diet helped me, but it didn't completely restore my health. My body actually stalled out on the the diet, and I needed to go off it to heal other parts of my body. You can read about my last steps in healing by clicking here

It's the question I don't know how to answer.

When we walk into church and we're greeted by faces familiar with the prayer requests.

Or when I workout at my club after a long stretch of vacation.

In responding to emails

texts

phone calls

greetings.

"How are you?"

And the truth is I know.

But I don't know.

I am better, yes.

But I'm not better.

I'm well.

But I'm not totally well -- totally recovered from the monstrosity of a gut flora imbalance that not only wreaked havoc on my digestive tract but also my mind, my emotions, my vitality, my energy and my sense of mental and even physical, yes, physical balance.

I've healed in so many beautiful ways, and I'm better.

But I'm not.

Yet.

And I keep saying yet.

Because, honestly, I'm still waiting for the restoration, for the full healing to sweep over my body.

And that's funny because I haven't exactly known what it is that's still not right other than something is still not right. I've been walking around not completely sure of what's out of balance other than the obvious smattering of seemingly unrelated physical persistence of feeling slightly off kilter in stance coupled with headaches and food sensitivities and other abnormal but mostly boring and mild annoyances.

Until I wasn't.

Monday afternoon, a little call from my primary care physician with the results of an easy saliva hormone test gives name and precise diagnosis to what I've been long been told is a hormone imbalance of some sort.

The call sent me into a tailspin of memories as we talked about this being both the likely cause of the two miscarriages last fall and the likely cause of all my latest ailments, too.

But it's fixable, he said. There are creams, shots.

I don't want that kind of fix.

I'm not a throw-a-patch-over-the-hole-in-the-tire kind of girl; I'm a find-the-stretch-of-road-where-my-car-ran-over-the-nail kind of fixer who wants to clean up the box that spilled so it doesn't keep happening.

And that's a lot harder because it's not just a matter of finding someone who understands my body in that kind of detail; it's money, time, energy and effort {on repeat}, all of which are resources that have dwindled significantly during these past nine months of focused healing.

I tossed myself into bed Monday evening completely overwhelmed at the thought of starting fresh with this new but actually old health issue and resigned to prayer and reading my Bible when Jesus seemed to ask me the question I've kind of come to dread: the old "how are you?" but in Jesus speak.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burnt out on religion?"

Except, in that moment, I didn't hesitate like I normally do when asked, filtering through what I want to say and what I ought to say and what would be short but complete enough to be honest and genuine.

Instead I just breathed out what I really felt, what I've really been feeling.

Yes.

Yes. Yes. And yes.

"Come to me, and I will give you rest." {Matthew 11:28}

Haven't I come so many times already? I asked.

My morning devotion came to my mind immediately, a barely audible whisper reminder.

"You have not because you ask not." {James 4:2} ... which was followed by "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find." {Matthew 7:7}

And in the stillness of confession, of answering the question to which I'm always struggling to find the perfect reply, I realized that maybe it's not so much about finding the right answer but finding the rest that allows me to say no matter the circumstance

that even though I'm well

but not totally well

 it is well

so very well

with my soul.


Each Thursday we come together to share the harvest of intentional living through sharing a piece of life gleaned: a picture, words, creation or list; just come to the table with the beauty in the simple moments of the week. Link up your gleaned moment this week at Jade's!


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10 comments:

  1. As I write a tear is running down my cheek. These words are exactly the words I needed on this day, Hyacynth. We are walking the same road, friend. Thank you. I pray for your peace and wellness.

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  2. Um...how is it that we're always on the same page? Did you read my Tuesday post this week? ((hugs)) and thank you again for your humble honesty in this space. Love you, friend...and holding you up in prayer today and always.

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  3. Oh. This is so heavy and so beautiful. We're on parallel paths with so much...said as I stare at the salivary hormone test kit sitting right here next to me. Praying for you sweetie. Constantly. Because I know how hard this is.

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  4. Cheers for honesty! Even when the honest truth is a hard truth. There is grace in transparency, and in the not hiding of secrets, especially from yourself. I hope that, in a way, knowing that you have hormonal imbalances at least helps some with coming to terms with the miscarriages, in knowing that there was absolutely nothing you did wrong, and whatever you find to be the original cause, it IS fixable. I hope you get the answers you need soon, and in the meantime, I wish you strength and inner peace.

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  5. It is always well with our souls...we just have to recognize it.

    I have created 75+ 4"x6" postcards with Bible verses.
    I just added Matthew 11:28 and Matthew 7:7 to the Freebie section on my blog.
    Just for you :)
    Hope they are of some benefit to you.

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  6. Life can be really bumpy, I love that you embrace the bumps as they come. You're in my prayers.

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  7. So very beautiful. Life isn't always well with our circumstances but trust in Him can make it well with the soul. Many thanks for the way in which you open your heart and many prayers for your continued healing on every level.

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  8. Those last few lines... you got me.
    Sending prayers and warm thoughts and love.

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  9. I just honestly cannot imagine where your strength is coming from in all of your searching and healing -- but then, suddenly, I can: you are so, ALL OVER written on by God's hand, Hy. On your voice and heart and skin and hands, everything I see of you? Is His.

    Hugs and prayers. May you be well, in every way.

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  10. libby @ ninesandquinesAugust 23, 2012 at 9:43 PM

    YES! In bold and all caps letters...YES...

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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