Before we left for Florida, I was starting to scare myself.
While I remembered pregnancy being pretty demanding on my body, and blog posts I converted to drafts assured me that I was just as nauseas and just as tired while carrying E during the first trimester, I didn't remember it being this hard on my heart and mind.
Of course, the second month felt extra demanding this time around because I contracted the flu, a cold and a stomach bug all within a few weeks of each other neither of which happened with G or E and that can play on one's mental state, yes.
But while I was pregnant with E and G, I didn't have this sinking, waves crashing over my head feeling.
When I was pregnant with E and G, it rained in my head occasionally, but it didn't storm outrageously day in and out.
Before we left for Florida, I was feeling a lot like the disciples when they were stuck in a raging storm on the sea in a small fishing boat, thinking perhaps their boat was going to go under with every huge wave that relentlessly crashed into the sides of the ship and slopped more water into the shaky vessel.
And Jesus was just sleeping away at the stern until the disciples shook him awake and demanded to know if He cared they were all about to drown in the raging sea.
I was one of those disciples, shaking in fear of the waves crashing around me and shaking Jesus to wake Him up and ask if He cared that I was going to drown.
I was one of those disciples, just not getting it, asking the wrong question -- asking if He cared that was drowning instead of asking Him to save me from drowning.
In Mark, it says He gets up and tells the waves to be quiet, be still and they sea calms instantly.
I had my come-to-Jesus-and-shake-Him-awake moment on the airplane ride to Florida.
Instead of asking Him if He cared, I changed me question to "would you save me?"
And He stood up and calmed the sea raging against my boat.
As I begin week ten, I'm starting to feel a little more like my normal-pregnant self -- sure I tire quickly, cry easily, pee a river every hour and need to stuff my face with protein often to keep the stomach at ease, but I don't feel desperate and in deep despair anymore.
Partly, I'm sure it's because I'm not sick on top of being in the first trimester. And, partly, I'm sure the sunlight and fresh air of our Florida vacation isn't just soaking into my skin and lungs but also it's soaking into my mind.
Mostly, though, it's because in His mercy he calmed the sea after I cried out to Him for deliverance.
I'd been trying to strong arm my way through the storm when I really just needed to rest in His ability and His willingness to calm it.
The storm is quieted for now, though as we head home tomorrow back to cold and dreary Chicago, I don't know if, too, I'll be returning to more seasonal affective depression.
I know one thing though: if the seas start raging again, I know the One who can calm them.
And I just have to ask.
Note: Some depression can't be cured by simply just praying and getting into the sunlight; I have seasonal affective disorder, which largely revolves around Vitamin D sufficiency, not allowing my mind to wallow in muck and engaging my body in sufficient movement.