Thursday, March 21, 2013

Bigger Picture Moments: When Nothing Fits

Nothing fits right now.

The maternity pants are too big.

And my regular jeans too snug.

There's still a swell of belly that forces my every-day shirts to stretch and cling to the slight roundness that lingers after pregnancy ends {even with no baby in arms}.

Every day this week now, I've bucked up and buckled down our two boys into their carseats, and we've ventured out into life, schedules looser than normal but still too tight for where I am

when nothing fits right now.

The God we trust sends friends and family to love on us up and down and my gratitude spills over from welling eyes onto red cheeks the same way the tears of grief do and both grief and gratitude feel so uncomfortable when they are wrestling for space in the space in my heart

where nothing fits right now.

This morning we bundled up, ready to brave the 20-degree weather as we ventured out to register G, my oldest, for kindergarten this fall

but the early spring sun was so warm we ended up roasting a few minutes into our drive

and when I pulled into the parking lot, we each ripped all of our jackets and hats and gloves off

sat long, leaned bare skin into sun streaming through glass windows

and it doesn't fit right now

for winter to be hanging on so tightly while spring is fighting so hard to burst through.

There is a break in the silence when my oldest asks why we are sitting still for so long when we have so many places to be.

I didn't have an answer so I said just that and

when I caught his eyes in the mirror and heard him say

"it's ok."

I couldn't help but think that yes.

Yes, it is.

It's all ok that nothing fits

right now.



9 comments:

  1. I love when you write from such raw brokenness, because you reveal that beautiful heart of yours. I hate that you're going through this, but I love the way you are clinging to Truth, even when it doesn't fit. I love you, friend.

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  2. I can tell you're raising your boys to have a beautiful heart just like yours, as Stephanie said.

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  3. When I first read this post earlier this afternoon I left without commenting. I don't know you and had never even read your blog before. I just didn't know how to respond to such rawness. But I came back to say...I'm very sorry that this has happened to you. When you get older people will say that you are seasoned...but they won't really know anything about pain.

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  4. All I could think is, "Have we ever really fit?"

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    Replies
    1. yes, friends. Yes. That's my prevailing thought, too.

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  5. I had to come back to this because my heart is heavy for you, Hy. I have been thinking of you often. And I know what Michelle said is true "Have we ever really fit" -that is something to ponder on. I don't think we will ever truly fit until we are with our Father.

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  6. I keep coming back to this post, hoping to find something useful or comforting to say, but all I can say is my heart aches and swells for you, my friend. For whatever it's worth, I'm sending love across the ether.

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  7. You would be surprised at how often I think of you and lift you up in prayer. As I go through my day - different things will come across my mind and I pray. You are heavy on my heart and in my mind - you are in my prayers. Love you -Proud of how you share your heart and walk in faith. Press on dear sister!!!

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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