The last one thisclose to the second trimester.
There's been so much heartache in the losses of these babies, these dreams and these hopes that it's left me questioning God:
Where are you, God, while I'm grieving our sweet baby?
Where were you when my baby stopped growing inside me at nearly eleven weeks?
Why didn't you stop the baby from dying?
Or, God, why let me be pregnant for so long with so many good signs of healthy pregnancy only to birth my baby at 12 weeks and some days?
Why even let me get pregnant at all? Why not just keep us from getting pregnant if our baby was going to die?
Why give me a desire for more children if we can't have more children?
I've asked all of these questions, sobbing in the arms of my husband, or while sitting with friends over coffee or scribbling notes into my journal.
But I was scared to ask them to God. I didn't want to give these questions voice in prayer; I'd chided myself over my lack of faith until a colleague pointed out during a staff meeting right after this last miscarriage that Jesus welcomed questions.
It doesn't scare God or make Him angry when I ask questions, really tough and messy questions that showcase my messy, heavy heart
My colleague even went so far as to say that God cares less about the questions I'm asking and more about the fact that I'm simply coming to Him, seeking Him.
So I began asking. And He began answering, that following Sunday, in fact, during a sermon our pastor was sharing from Isaiah 51: 12-13:
"I, even I, am He who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mere mortals, human beings who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker, who stretches out the heavens and who lays the foundations of the earth ..."
But in God saying that, He doesn't point His finger at me, shaming me, saying: "Who are you to question me?!"
Rather, He says to me, Who am I that you can trust me? If I stretched out the heavens and lay the foundation of the Earth, how much more am I able to care for you?
The same God who put those stars in the sky is the same God who knows what never has happened but what could have happened and what won't ever happen as well as what has happened and what is happening now and what will happen -- that God.
I don't know any of that, and I'm not sure I want to know. I don't know God's reasons, and I'm not sure I want to know them.
But I know who God is.
He's the God who loves us so much He sent a piece of Himself wrapped in flesh to an imperfect world.
He's the God who doesn't give his children snakes when they ask for bread.
He's the God who sends His Word to speak into my hurting heart.
He's the God who sends His Church to love and comfort and walk with the hurting.
He's the God who hears even the deepest groans of our hearts and sends us a counsellor who intercedes for us.
He's the God who made a way for selfish me to be with perfect Him forever.
And knowing who He is has answered the questions raging in my mind -- just not in the ways I expected.
But in ways that give me rest and peace and hope.
|Share your Bigger Picture Moment HERE!|