Sunday, May 5, 2013

Hope and Healing: Putting My Hand Up

Last Sunday night, I plummeted hard and fast into a deep, dark hole after weeks of trying to outrun the overwhelming anxiety and grief that's been building.

The shear force of the anxiety about my physical health coupled with the grieving of the three precious babies we lost during pregnancy during the last 18 months has had me running as fast as my mind could spin, feet could move.

Last weekend, I stumbled a few times and then Sunday night I fell hard.

A mess of tears, shaking on the couch, I surrendered the race because I had to.

I couldn't muscle my way out of that hole with sheer determination because fatigue has taken over and reality had been blurring from black and white to about a dozen shades of gray.

I made the move that seemed all along harder than trying to pull myself up and out: I raised my hand in surrender from the bottom of the hole; I asked people to help pull me out.

I welcomed my mom to come up and help without feeling guilt. I submitted to John's request to call my doctors. I explained repeatedly that I couldn't do this alone anymore. I told them I needed more help.

I met with a therapist we've been seeing and really love. I laid my fears and anxiety and grief out before me, and I gave to God what He's been asking for for a really long time: the control of my health I've been white-knuckle clenching since my dad died three years ago.

One week, lots of prayer, tangible help, art therapy and a few anti-anxiety pills later and I'm hearing clearly the truth in a good friend's words:

"We all fall in holes. But you have to put your hand up so we can pull you up."

So this week I've been practicing raising my hand

to grab others' hands

to give thanks

to surrender

all of that which I can't bear

and was never actually meant to.

6 comments:

  1. Hon ... I'm always here with a hand if you need it. And we all need help from time to time, that's why we are all friends. Love to you and glad you are finding your way again.

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  2. I love you, friend. And I'm so glad you raised your hands up instead of remaining imprisoned in that dark hole. That's one step forward and sometimes that surrender is the hardest step to take. You will find green pastures again - He will lead you there, one step at a time. <3

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  3. You have been on my prayer list for several weeks. I am so glad to read this post. We are not meant to journey this life alone; it takes a community to succeed. Call on me anytime.

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  4. Yay! I'm so glad you're getting help and support through this time. There is no need to walk through it alone. You are loved, and loving -- I wish you all the best for continued healing.

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  5. Oh Hy! I have been thinking about you and praying for you all week. Yesterday I was going to reach out again but did not want to be a pest either. Having walked this similar road (often still walking some days) I am careful to not project my journey onto others because theirs is theirs. But I also never want anyone to walk this alone.

    So know this, I am here, by FB chat, email or phone call...anytime. Really I mean that!

    Keep going to Him, raising your hand...and know that myself and countless others who love you dearly are calling on Him on your behalf.


    "Life breaks and falls apart
    But we know these are
    Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
    It may be unfulfilled
    It may be unrestored
    But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
    Just watch and see
    It will not be unredeemed"

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  6. You KNOW that you are in my heart and my prayers.

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There's nothing better than good conversation ... but not while talking to myself. Will you play a part in this discussion?

AND will you pretty please have your email linked to your account or leave it for me so I can respond?

Thanks for taking the time to make these thoughts into conversation.

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