Wednesday, May 29, 2013

One Word 365: Off Balance {On Rejoicing}

There's this off-balance feeling that's been floating around inside my body since a few weeks after the miscarriage.

The irony is thick.

Life has been off balance in general and this physical manifestation of the feeling seems to be a reminder to continually reorder my mind's priorities and our life priorities, too. As badly as I want my life ordered right, I want my physical body in balance, too.

I want to be able to stand tall and walk straight without feeling like I'm on a slightly wavy sea boat; this desire for normalcy in all the facets of life keeps my mind spinning with thoughts -- how do I make it all normal?

Frustration mounts tenfold when despite numerous doctors' visits, everyone says everything looks normal despite my not feeling normal. You know, I'm glad it's all normal, but ... that leaves me feeling like a detective who's been constantly searching for clues and trying to put all of the pieces together. It's been taking up a good bulk of my thought life and even conversation with John and, of course, time spent at the doctors.

A few weekends ago when I visited Michelle, I'd been mulling over taking on a fast but hadn't thought of anything that seemed appropriate. We found my much-needed fast through conversations about our meager attempts at controlling our lives ...  for me, I knew I needed to abstain from reading health-related articles, books, posts, papers, etc for 30 days. For the past 20 days, I've been avoiding overloading my brain with all of this information ... and I simply cannot believe how much health information I've been consuming daily.

When something other than Christ's way of life becomes the focus, it's no wonder everything feels off balance.

After that clicked I realized I'd been clenching my fists trying to grasp control of the wrong things -- I cannot control how quickly my body rebalances no matter how much I read about the workings of the body, but I can through His strength control the thoughts that come through my mind.

Because while God gives our bodies the awesome ability to heal and we can do our parts in treating them the way {I think} He intended -- rooted in the rhythms of creation {more on this later} -- He has given me the ability to take all thoughts captive to Christ.

He has given me the choice to think on all things pure, right, noble, lovely, true, excellent, praiseworthy {Philippians 4:4-6}.

He has given me a choice to rejoice even when life seems anything but joyful.

I've sat in these thoughts for weeks now asking myself why He would command us to take captive our thoughts, think on what is true and right and lovely and rejoice always. Why is there so much more in the Bible about caring for our minds and hearts?

And what I've come back to is the thought that so often our bodies go the way of our minds.

So often our thoughts are what really lead us to the fullness of life.

Slowly, daily

I surrender at least some of my thoughts to Christ's way.

Slowly, daily

I try to make the choice to rejoice

at least some of hours I spend awake.

And slowly, daily,

balance, beyond the physical, restores. 


  1. So good to see your words here again.

    I admire your surrender to His ways. I admittedly struggle with it on a daily basis and feel captive to the world at times.

    I wish you had more answers and that you did not feel so off...I know that feeling...I don't know if it is normal after loss or what but I felt it for a long time. That "slightly wavy sea boat" describes how I often felt in large groups or in public.

    I will be praying for you and your health and answers...In His way and in His time.

    Love ya

  2. This is so good. And, as always, we are totally on the same page. The only way to real joy, real contentment, real balance is to fix our eyes on Him, daily surrendering to His ways instead of ours...and oh, what a battle it is. Sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back, but it's those steps forward that matter and that we pick up our feet and keep moving forward, even when it's hard and even when we want to give up. Because He never gives up and He never forgets us. He meets you right where you are and will give you the rest and peace and balance both your soul and your body needs. I think I needed to read these words today. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable, writing right where you are. You give me courage, friend, to keep on running this race and fighting this battle.

  3. Do whatever you have to do to feel like "normal" again. And then tell me what that feels like because I doubt I will ever truly know. Ha! ... But seriously I pray that you continue to heal dear friend. I pray that your family heals with you. And I pray that your balance is restored without you even realizing it.

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